The Moments Between Page 11

  I readjusted myself in the seat and listened to the sound of a hidden clock ticking somewhere in the room as he continued.

  “And the length of your dream seeming to span six months is unusual, but not completely unheard of. Numerous studies have shown that dreams usually last for only a few seconds, even though they may have been experienced as taking place over hours or days. This is a function of accelerated dream consciousness. It’s a whole different universe in the dream world.” His voice had a serious tone to it.

  “How do I know if my dream means anything or not?” I pressed, still confused.

  He nodded his head and leaned forward slightly before he answered.

  “When you analyze the event of a precognition type dream, one that someone remembers in their waking consciousness, it brings up the element of entanglement. Leading us to question, is it the dream that predicts the future, or does the dream influence it? Meaning, that having a dream that one was going to die, it is entirely possible that in focusing on that dream, it can actually cause that person to draw death to themselves, via entanglement or laws of attraction. According to one physics’ theory, every behavior, every choice, every action, every thought, can create a new reality, paving the way for innumerable possibilities.”

  I sat still, trying to digest what he had said. I stared out the window as the branches of a large oak tree danced and swayed in and out of my view.

  He continued with his explanation.

  “Let me put it like this. Instead of a linear timeline that goes forward along a single line, the universe would be more like a tree within a forest with countless branches and twigs, each of them being a different possibility of events that could happen. When you make a choice, one of those paths or branches are chosen and this becomes your reality. And each time you make a new choice, you are set on a different path. You may ask, does this mean that by dreaming about the events that you did, that you are in some way bringing that path into existence?

  Maybe. I do personally have a tendency to believe that the things that we focus on are drawn into our realties. In truth, we just don’t know. The most important piece of Quantum mechanics is uncertainty. We can’t experience more than one choice at a time. Our observation changes the nature of reality, so we have no idea what would be happening if you hadn’t had the dream in the first place. You are where you are because you did have the dream, and the way you process the events that are happening are being affected by it.”

  He rubbed his temples and laughed a little.

  “So, in other words, I have no idea how to help you figure this out. If I could, I would be a sure thing for the Nobel Prize. Maybe one day we will understand more about dreams, but what we know right now is still so much in the beginning learning phase.”

  “That’s it?” I looked at him questionably. My heart sinking. I was no closer to an answer than I was before.

  He got up and came around the desk to face me. He kneeled down next to the chair and put his hand on my arm.

  “I’m so sorry, Claire. I really am. I wish I could’ve helped you somehow…I just don’t know what your dream meant, but I can tell you that the best thing you can do right now is not dwell on it,” he said with his eyes, genuine.

  “I know you’re right. But, it’s just so scary. I feel like my life is off balance right now. It just doesn’t feel right,” I responded.

  Jonathan stood up and walked over to the window and looked out. He rubbed his forehead, lost in thought. The shadows from the trees outside danced on the window sill.

  After a few minutes, he turned around and looked at me. “Maybe it wasn’t even a premonition, Claire. Maybe it was nothing. Sometimes an apple is just an apple. I just really think you need to let it go and stop worrying so much.”

  I nodded and smiled weakly.

  What else was there to say?

  And he was probably right. At least, I hoped he was.

  Though my gut told me a different story.

  He looked up at the clock. It was six o’clock already. “You hungry? I haven’t eaten all day.”

  I thought about Ben and the boys being at home without me, trying to find something to eat for dinner and the urge to say no overpowered me. “I really should go back now…” I responded, reluctantly.

  “Aww come on, grab a bite to eat with your brother! It’s been way too long since we hung out!” he insisted. His face pursed with hope.

  How could I say no?

  I texted Ben and told him to pick up the boys and grab a pizza for dinner just before we walked out of Jonathan’s office.

  I stepped past him into the hallway as he turned to turn off the lights and lock the door.

  As we passed by Sheila’s office, he paused for half a step.

  She was already gone. The door closed and locked.

  I wondered if he had been considering inviting her to go with us and I smiled, pleased with myself.

  As we walked down the corridor toward the elevator, I noticed all of the hallways were now empty and most of the offices were dark.

  We stood together waiting at the elevator, and when the doors opened, we stepped in.

  An old man stood inside, leaning against the elevator wall wearing a wrinkled blue jumpsuit, clearly the building janitor. His embroidered name tag, in red letters, said Larry. He stood quietly next to his mop bucket, with disheveled grey hair that fell down long past the nape of his neck. Barely looking up, his expression forlorn.

  “Howdy!” Jonathan said to the man.

  Larry nodded back in response.

  Jonathan studied him for just a moment before speaking again.

  “I really appreciate the work you do around here. I know it takes a lot of effort and you do a great job.”

  The man looked up with a new expression. Eyes, sparkling. Clearly, the compliment had gone a long way.

  When the doors opened again and we stepped out, Jonathan turned back around, smiling at the old janitor.

  “Take care, buddy!” he called back to him.

  As the doors closed, I caught a glimpse of the man and he was smiling.

  The kindness Jonathan had shown him spoke volumes to me about the kind of man he had grown into.

  We walked out of the building into lingering sunlight. I shielded my eyes as they adjusted to the change in lighting. The day had gotten soft around the edges, the heat no longer oppressive.

  We headed to my car, since Jonathan normally took the bus to work, and we walked together in a comfortable silence across the parking lot into fading light. Brother and sister together. Our footsteps echoed across the virtually empty lot.

  Even the birds had quieted their music for the day.

  When we got in the car, Jonathan looked at me. “What are you in the mood for?”

  I shrugged. “You pick! I can eat anything, and plus, I don’t know enough about the area to decide.”

  His face brightened immediately. “Actually, I know just the place.”

  Chapter 10

  “This is it!” Jonathan told me as we pulled into a small parking lot next to a brick apartment building. It was five stories tall and looked like it had been standing there since the seventies.

  Jonathan pointed up to a window on the third floor. “That’s my place!” He beamed with pride.

  We got out of the car and stretched in the early evening air. His apartment was only five miles from the campus, but because of traffic, it had taken us every bit of thirty minutes to get here.

  “The place is only two blocks away, so we can walk from here,” he said as he closed the car door.

  The sky had turned to a shade of lavender and orange as we walked side by side over uneven sidewalk. People were everywhere, filling the area with conversation and laughter. The smell of fried foods wafted out from several places that we passed, making my stomach grumble. I hadn’t even re
alized that I was that hungry until now.

  Just like Jonathan promised, the walk took only a few minutes, and we arrived at a pub restaurant called The York. When we got inside, we found it was packed wall to wall with hungry students. The smell of beer, sandwiches, and pizza wafted up my nose, making feel a little dizzy with hunger. I didn’t know how long I could make it without eating. But after only a fifteen-minute wait, we were able to get a high back booth near the back.

  While Jonathan ran to the bathroom, I looked around. The bar was dark, with wood paneling covering the walls. The floors were concrete and unfinished, reminding me of the inside of an old garage. There were pool tables and dart boards not far from where we were sitting. Framed vintage beer advertisements hung over every table. Old couches were scattered around intermixed with the tables and filled past their seating capacity.

  Voices and laughter blended in with the music playing from overhead speakers. I looked over and saw several girls dancing, cocktails in hand. Suddenly I felt very old. Though in reality I was only a few years ahead of them, it felt like a century.

  When Jonathan came back, the waitress came over. She stood at the table with a notepad in hand. Short and stocky, with drugstore dyed red hair. She had a tattoo with the word Blackbird on her wrist. I wondered what it meant.

  “What can I get ya?” she said, as she smacked on her chewing gum.

  We decided on two Philly Cheesesteak sandwiches and a giant basket of cheese fries. While we were waiting for our food, Jonathan insisted we get a couple of beers. Because, according to him, how often do a sister and brother get to go out together? What I realized immediately is that he meant how often does he get to go out at all? But I knew now that Sheila was in the picture, that would soon change.

  While we were sitting at the table, I saw numerous girls look over at Jonathan and smile. And he was oblivious. Why didn’t he see the affect he had over women?

  The overhead speaker played “Have You Seen Her?” by The Chi-Lites. I was instantly overcome by nostalgia and looked over at Jonathan.

  “Do you remember when our parents used to dance to this song?” I asked him.

  He listened to the song for a moment before it clicked. “Wow, I haven’t heard this song in years! Didn’t they have this on an old LP?”

  “Yes, they did. I remember watching them dancing in the kitchen to it. With me staring at them like they were magical creatures.” The image in my mind, hazy and surreal.

  “Yeah, that was before they hated each other.” Jonathan laughed.

  “What happened to them? How could their marriage fall apart like that when they were so in love?” I hoped since he was older and saw more of their relationship, he would know.

  “I don’t know, really. I mean, they used to be really happy, I think. One day, things kinda changed. And suddenly they were distant. Dad had his own thing going on and Mom was raising us kids. I mean, don’t get me wrong, Dad was still around all the time, but him and Mom, they weren’t really a couple anymore.”

  “What happened? Why would Dad go off with Linda like that?” I pressed.

  “What ever happens to any couple? Things go wrong and distance grows between them. Who knows? I was a teenager and caught up in my own life.” He looked down as he spoke.

  “Yeah, there’s no telling what Dad was thinking when he left,” I offered.

  “Well, I can tell you what he was thinking!” Jonathan’s voice, sarcastic and sharp.

  We both knew what was on Dad’s mind.

  Linda. His attraction to her, purely physical.

  The waitress came back and brought us two more beers, and we were happy for the distraction. After she walked away, we changed the subject.

  When we were finished with our sandwiches, we nibbled on leftover fries and sipped our beers, making small talk and laughing.

  Suddenly, Jonathan’s expression changed. “This has been a lot of fun having you here. I’m so glad you came. I hope you’ll come back again sometime…” His voice trailed off.

  “Why don’t you come home to visit more often?” I asked. “I mean, it’s only a couple of hours away.”

  He paused, looking down at the withered French fry in his hand as he twirled it round and round, deciding whether to eat it or not.

  He looked back up at me and shrugged. “I don’t know. I guess I just feel out of place. After I left for school, Dad hooked up with Linda and things were really weird at home. I was mad at him. I was mad at Mom for being in a bad mood all the time. So, I just stayed away. Hung out with my friends, you know. And soon, that was the habit. Staying away. When I come home, I feel like I’m the third wheel. I’m just so out of the loop these days. You guys have your lives and I have mine.”

  “A third wheel? Are you kidding me? Do you not know how much I missed you?” I exclaimed.

  “You did?” Jonathan said. His face perplexed. “It just seemed like you and Mandi had your own thing going on, and I just didn’t fit in anymore.”

  “Oh, Jonathan. You always fit in! You were the light of the world to me. I always looked up to you. Had you on a pedestal, really. I grieved our relationship. I just wish you would’ve known how I felt about.” I stopped mid-sentence, interrupted by the tightness in my throat.

  “I needed you, Jonathan. I felt so alone. And I needed you to be a buffer for me against Mom…”

  A wash of strong emotion came over me and I had to wipe back my tears. I hadn’t realized how much my brother’s absence had affected me.

  “Man, I am sorry, Claire. I really didn’t know. I was young and stupid, I guess. It just never occurred to me,” his voice strained.

  I could tell my words had stung. That wasn’t my intention.

  I reached across the table and touched his arm. “Listen, I should’ve made more of an effort too. It’s on both of us. And we can make up for it now. Honestly, I would love it if you came around more often. The boys would love it too. It would make me happy. I’ve really missed you.”

  Jonathan looked up at me, a smile now in his eyes. “You know, I think I will take you up on that offer!”

  I smiled back. Jonathan wasn’t a stranger after all. He was the same brother I had always known and loved.

  The waitress cleared the table of our plates, and as she leaned past me, I could smell cigarettes on her clothes.

  “So, how’s Mandi doing?” Jonathan asked after she walked away.

  Irritation crawled up the back of my neck.

  Why did everyone care so much about Mandi and her life?

  “She’s fine. I guess,” I answered without making eye contact.

  “Boy, she really gets to you, doesn’t she?” His tone was light, not realizing he had stepped into a bee’s nest.

  “What’s that supposed to mean?” My voice had an edge to it I instantly regretted.

  “Ouch, I touched a nerve.” He half laughed. “I’m sorry. I was just asking.”

  I let out a loud sigh. “No, I’m the one who should be sorry. You’re just asking about your sister. Mandi and I don’t get along that well, in case you haven’t noticed.” I half laughed, trying to lighten the mood.

  He laughed too and leaned back against his bench seat. “Yeah, I think it’s pretty obvious that there’s some tension. But my question is why? I have never understood the rivalry between you two. Even as little girls, you were always competing for our parent’s attention. I mean, in all honesty, it was really Mandi that was pushing you to the side and stealing all of the attention. But it just doesn’t make sense. You both are wonderful girls, in your own way.”

  “I’ve just never felt good enough, compared to her…” I couldn’t believe I had said it out loud. The words I had been fighting against my entire life.

  Jonathan listened patiently as I continued.

  “And I have a lot of bitterness built up. After Dad left, it became my
responsibility to look after her, even though she’s older. I did it because it had to be done. Things had to be taken care of when Mom was too depressed to get out of bed. And Mandi wasn’t going to help me. I was the one who made sure we got up in time for school and that we had lunches to eat. But eventually I got bitter. Mandi thought she was so much better than me. But even so, I still tried to be a good sister to her. Always covering for her when she was sneaking out with boys. Lying to Mom over and over again to protect her. She didn’t appreciate anything I did for her, and she still doesn’t.” I looked down, ashamed of my outburst.

  “Claire, you’re just so tender, and I mean that in the best way possible. You’ve always worn your heart on the outside of your chest. And Mandi…well, Mandi marches to the beat of her own drum. You should never compare yourself to her. You’re a real gem and Mandi, she’s like one of those chameleon lizards. You know the ones who change their outside to match their environment? Bless her, but in all honesty, she’s the one who should feel less than. Not you. Don’t get me wrong, I love my sister, but I also know her. She’s always been this way and she always will be.”

  He reached his hand across the table and patted my hand. “You need to believe in yourself a little more. Anyway, what do you think you can do to change any of it? Things move on, you have to move on too or be bowled over by it.”

  Could the past just be the past? I didn’t know.

  I smiled. “Thank you, Jonathan. I’ll try.” Deep down inside knowing the dynamic between Mandi and I was never going to change.

  After we finished our beers, he wanted to play a few rounds of darts, and much to his happiness, he won every single round. I wasn’t that great of a player to begin with, and I had trouble getting into the game.

  My thoughts were elsewhere. Memories flitted in and out of my mind, like wisps of wind.